Monday, March 28, 2016
In this day and age you can order a pizza online, a girlfriend, a boyfriend, someone in between or you can order spiderman underoos or more unnecessary fruit shaped containers, as if, bananas didn't already come inside of a divinely inspired natural container of its own. So naturally, you can also do your taxes online. However, choosing an online tax filing service can be confusing and challenging. Hopefully, I can shed some light on this complicated process.
First, ask yourself, "Do I want to 'slay' my taxes?" If you answered, "yes" then you should choose TaxSlayer.com. Once you have logged onto the TaxSlayer website you will be asked a series of questions but the most important question is, "Where do you live?". Your address will allow the mystical guild of TaxSlayer.com to send you a live fire-breathing dragon to the comfort of your own home. Please have your physical paper W-2 on hand so that the dragon knows exactly what he needs to slay. This giant lizard will incinerate your taxes and then you have the honor of 'slaying' the beast. It's a win win situation, really. Also, the sword that you use to kill this animal is also a tax write-off.
Would you like to file your taxes post haste? If you answered, "yes" to this question then TurboTax will be your best bet. The financial experts at TurboTax.com include such famous names as The Flash, Usain Bolt, Hermes the Messenger God, Speed Racer and Speedy Gonzalez. I cannot attest to just how "accurate" your taxes will be filed but they will be completed in less time than the average celebrity marriage lasts...(That's 3.3 seconds for all you math nerds out there).
Lastly, if you would like to file your income taxes online then you could also use E-File. But why would you? E-File, E-File? No shit Sherlock, you can file electronically. I need a more badass name to obliterate my taxes with. Can we just take a moment here to rename this horrible domain? Let's keep the 'E' but what if it stood for 'Eviscerate'? Yes, yes I would like to eviscerate my taxes. The 'E' could also be in reference to the word 'Extinguish' because we would all like to extinguish the nightmare of our on-going poverty. I think 'Erase' might be my favorite because to be Frank (I'd prefer to be Chris but whatever) the government really doesn't need to know that I even 'Exist'. Because, at the end of the day I think that we would all like to be tax-'Exempt'.
Sunday, March 20, 2016
Do mermaids lay a clutch of eggs or have live births? Do holistic mermaids give 'land births' instead of our 'water births'? Do they travel in schools, pods or are they lone sharks...(HA!)
Do unicorns literally destroy the mother or 'host' unicorn upon birth thus keeping the overall unicorn population down to a manageable number?
If you had a tiny pet dragon would you keep it in a bird cage or reptile terrarium? If you kept it in the bird cage do you think you could teach it to say, "Polly wants a cracker"?
Subsequently, does a Pegasus respond to bird calls? Do they build giant Pegasus sized nests for their young?
Many breeds of dogs have their ears or tails clipped in order to be a better physical representation of the breed, does the same apply to elves? Is there an elf plastic surgeon out there clipping all baby elves' ears when they are born? Dr. Galadriel?
Once again I ask the real (mythical) questions, so you don't have to.
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
"I'm not racist but..." We have all heard someone start a sentence off with this justification and the statement often means that this person is, indeed, racist. This mentality can also be applied to cheerleaders. Not that cheerleaders are racist. No, I would never infer that. Although, I'm sure some cheerleaders are racist? Probably? I mean, we've all seen the film Bring It On and almost ALL of those cheerleaders were racist. Ok, I think it's a fair statement to say that SOME cheerleaders are racist just like saying SOME beet farmers are Jedi Knights....I mean, it's statistically plausible.
Alright, this has clearly escalated so let's forget about racism for just one second and then after that second has passed I will let you get back to your regularly scheduled racism.
If you have to remind people that you aren't racist it's because people assume that you might be racist. Here is that same justification applied to a different situation. If you have to remind people that your sport is a sport then that activity is not a sport. I recently watched a sports section of the news which covered everything from wrestling to football and ONLY cheer leading felt the need to scroll the phrase "CHEER LEADING IS A SPORT" across the screen. Apparently, the viewers did not need to be reminded that hockey is a sport or baseball, swimming, tennis, soccer....you know, sports.
There are so many reasons why cheer leading is not a sport but here are just a few. These simple guidelines will also help you define other ambiguous activities as SPORTS or NON-SPORTS.
Ask yourself these questions when determining whether or not an activity is a 'sport' or not.
Does the 'sport' in question have playing cards of famous players?
Does the 'sport' have famous players?
Are there any 'fantasy leagues' associated with this pass time?
Is there a team mascot?
Does the 'sport' have fans?
Are these 'fans' your mom and other cheer leaders?
Are hot dogs and hamburgers sold during these 'sporting' events?
Could you purchase season tickets or box seats to this 'sport'?
Does illegal betting take place before or during this 'sport'?
Does this 'sport' have intramural leagues after college?
Must you rise for the singing of the National Anthem before official play begins?
I have surmised that according to these guidelines cheer leading does not fall under the category of 'sport' but under 'non-sport' or 'athletics'. Don't be sad cheer leading. You stand amongst other great 'non-sports' such as hiking, synchronized swimming, speed walking and ice-fishing. At least you're not racist...that we know of.
P.S. Do NOT Google 'Racist Cheerleaders' unless you want to find ACTUAL racist cheerleaders. You have been warned.
Sunday, March 6, 2016
Do you know how I know that I am truly evil? Scars bitches. I have a very noticeable/distinct scar right below my neck. As a kid, I absolutely hated it. To be truthful, I still hate it and anyone who says, "love your flaws" is a two-timing liar who also, doesn't have any REAL flaws. But, getting back to how I know I'm evil. As mentioned, I have a scar but that's not the total story. This, bitches, is where the plot thickens....I have NO CLUE as to how I got this mark!!!! To answer your questions, no I did not black out on a drug induced bender, no I did not wrestle a mighty bear in the Smokey Mountains and no, it's not an 'old 'Nam wound' (I think I may have perpetuated that last myth myself).
Literally, no clue, it just showed up one day around age 8. My mom even took me to the dermatologist because we were afraid it might be some sort of cancer.Total Recall was in the box office, at the time, and we needed to be absolutely POSITIVE that I was not going to, one day, sprout a tiny parasitic twin. The doctor reassured us that it was just normal scar tissue (no parasitic twin was found, dammit) and that there were no viable options to get rid of it. At the time, no one believed my story of total ignorance because I was just a kid...or DAMIAN?! To this day, I have no recollection of what happened to me to deserve such an eternal branding. Apparently, I am not alone either. Recent medical studies have found others with my same story or lack of origin story. I call these people "Fellow Bitches".
In some ways I am grateful, if it wasn't for this twisted deformity, I might not have evolved into the spiteful bitch you see here today. I might have grown up loving the color pink, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, cheer leading and should I even say the words??? BARBIE DOLLS. Those last words actually caused a sharp pain in my scar.
To sum up: Good guys don't have scars, bad guys have scars. Unless, you are Harry Potter but even that famous blemish was still the mark of evil. Just like Ash from Evil Dead, my scar isn't going anywhere and Ash will never get his hand back. These pieces of our bodies belong to the dark lord. Luckily, my evil only manifests itself in snide comments and shenanigans....for now.